Kyinthecity's Revelife

Hair Me Out....

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 21:48:21 GMT

A little over a month ago, I cut my hair. Again. I have not ever rocked the same hair style for more than 6 months at a time. If anything, what is consistent about my coif, is that it is consistently inconsistent. Colorful. Ever-changing.

The roller coaster of hair rides initiated back in 2003 when I decided to go au natural. I was in no way attempting to make any profound cultural statements and express some sort of Afro-identity. Simply, I was in grad-school circa 9-11, flat-broke and could not afford luxuries like weekly hair salon appointments. I went to a stylist and told her to cut my perm off. I was then sporting a mini-curly fro. Not really flattering, but it was what it was for the moment.

In the years since, I have debuted easily 30+ hair styles - black, brown, blonde, red, cinnamon, streaked, curly, straight, long, bob, shoulder length, weaved up and shaved down. Styling and caring for natural hair is no easy task. And I have always loved changing up my look. The feedback has always been on par with - "Girl, you're crazy!" or "OMG, I love it!" A lot of times, the former comment is associated with the sheer shock of how easily I seem to make decisions involving changing my hair. For me, it's no big deal. It's just hair. It regrows. But it is indeed indicative of the obsessive relationship many women continue to have with their hair....

Why is is that so many women's entire sense of selves and lifestyles are built around the kind of hair style they keep? The examples are rampant with offenders from these three streams:

1. The "Can't Leave the Cabin" Fever:

Have you ever had a girlfriend/friend who would flatly refuse to leave her house because her hair wasn't freshly done? She won't be able to do dinner, catch that movie or run errands etc. and her hair is concealed under a tattered head scarf until she can make a salon run..

2. The "Saturdays":

We all know these ladies.. The ones who spend 4,5,7 hours on Saturdays in hair salons. Their free time is limited and they operate on a tight schedule during the weekends. Generally, Black women spend an astronomical amount of time on attending to their hair.

3. The "Kanye Can't Work Out Plan" Lifestyle:

This is a big one right here. Dialogue centered on why Black women are less active often points to issues with not wanting hair styles to be ruined through gym runs. You have women who either schedule gym work-outs closer to the time they have their previously scheduled hair appointments and then there are those who just will not work out because it will send hundreds of dollars of salon work to waste. The underlying issue here for some has long been that black women favor "looking good" versus being healthy.

It is almost non-debatable that having a fresh do/cut significantly boosts your confidence. You feel better about your self/life, about facing another difficult day at work and going on that first date with a new interest. Another male friend shared a story about when he was in undergrad, he would always get a hair cut the day he had to sit an exam. He explained how that confidence boost truly helped him adopt a more positive frame of mind entering that testing room. I thought it was hilarious at first, but it absolutely made a lot of sense...As far as the time commitment goes, as much as we do spotlight Black women, it would be unfair to say that this is only typical of one ethic group. Women in general spend a lot of time and money on their hair. White women frequent salons just as much. I can't speak accurately on how long these visits are on average, but I do know that White/non-ethnic hair salons (at least in NYC) are by no means cheaper than Black salons.

There are a litany of articles that continue to be written about this issue - about the destructive history and relationship that we Black woman have with our hair. The time, the money, the history, and the current media entrenched imagery beauty, the natural hair vs the relaxed hair debate. I won't revisit any of these issues. They have been attended to and beaten like dead horses. The impetus for penning this post actually came from a conversation I had with a dear male friend of mine. No - it's not what you might think. He was not berading Black women for being uber obsessed with their hair more than their health. Nor was he complaining about how much time and money Black women spend on their hair grooming and products. (Recent statistics show that Black hair care is roughly a $9 billion dollar industry...) Rather, he was explaining a recent decision he had made to cut off his locks after more than 15 years of growing his hair. He explained to me that he wanted to enhance his quality of life. That his dreds took forever to get retwisted and it was a pain to sit in a salon for hours when they needed attending to. He spoke about how they took painstakingly long to dry if they got wet; and he talked openly about wanting to be able to swim, bike and participate in other sports without stressing over his hair becoming unkempt and messy.

It was the first time I considered the "hair plight" from a male perspective. The most significant point my boy raised is precisely what I wanted to share in this post. The fact is that we, male or female, need to carefully consider if our very quality of life is adversely affected by our hair choices. We should not NOT be able to exercise, enjoy fun sports, swim, be spontaneous when we hang with friends and loved ones, not afford to pay bills or hang out with close ones all because of our hair. Since my recent hair cut, surprisingly, I spend significantly less time grooming my hair. That means, not only do I now use less hair products, I can get ready faster in prep for work in the mornings and also get jazzed up more quickly for date nights. I also have found that my shorter natural hair (which I flatiron straight) is not as "affected" when I work out now...

I am not implying that short hair is the way to go. Nor am I advocating that there is this one particular hairstyle that everyone should adopt.. There is nothing wrong with trying to enhance your beauty or make your hair more manageable. But what I am saying is, is the quest for perfect hair worth the drawbacks? Even before my recent cut, I was not married to my hair. I can see how the change has undoubtedly improved different aspects of my life. It has freed me. And I think perhaps you too should think about breaking lose from those keratin chains....

Petals-N-Belles.. Empowering today's female youth to become tomorrow's leaders...

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 16:24:43 GMT

One of my very best amigas, Isis Adewale is half of a dynamic duo who in July 2010, started a NYC-based mentorship organization for young girls of color called "Petals-N-Belles." The overarching goal of PNB is to build and enhance the overall personal growth, individual development and well-being of young women. They have held several fundraisers in the past two years to support the implementation of their unique curricula. This incorporates a focus on self-esteem, personal values, sisterhood, community service, cultural awareness and education. This past March, they just celebrated another of their signature fundraising events aptly entitled "Limitless." Present were the 20 girls enrolled in the program, their parents, friends, supporters and celebrity endorsers including Chrisette Michele and Rosci Diaz. There were about 500 in attendance at Greenhouse that evening, simply a remarkable turnout to support a fitting cause.

As a friend, I have been in attendance at PNB's events, and I can honestly attest to the magnificence of this growing organization. It is incredibly important to support community based efforts like these, that intend to impart positive changes within our youth and hopefully transform their lives.

For more information, check out PNB on Facebook (PetalsNBelles) , Twitter (PetalsNBelles) and their website where you can make a secure donation: http://www.petalsnbelles.org

PNB Phone	1 212.365.4862
PNB Email	info@petalsnbelles.org

Here are some photos from past fundraising events:

Limitless 2011: The inaugural. Event host/Radio/TV Personality, Egypt stands in between PNB founder Damalli Elliot (left) & PNB Board Member Isis Adewale (right).

Limitless 2012. TV Personality Amanda Seales (left), PNB Founder Damali Elliott, BET Host/Event Host, Rocsi Diaz, and Singer Chrisette Michele (right).

Limitless 2012. Essence Magazine Editor-in-Chief, Constance C.R. White (left), PNB Founder Damali Elliott (middle) and BET Host/Event Host, Rocsi Diaz (right).

Limitless Event Chair/Essence Magazine Editor-at-Large Emil Wilbekin (left), PNB Founder Damali Elliott , Limitless Event Co-Chair/Media Personality Bevy Smith & PNB Board Member Isis Adewale (right).

PNB mentees enjoying the celebration at the Limitless 2012 event at Greenhouse, NYC.

CRUX.. A chic urban jewelry line you should know about

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 15:35:31 GMT

Last year, I met two fab California ladies currently living in NYC - Ahyiana & Sennie - who have an amazing jewelry line. The pieces are: Elaborate. Intricate. Polished. Exquisite. Unique. The dynamic duo create statement pieces and have garnered a solid celebrity following for their earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and rings. They also continue to receive incredible press as models all over the world adorn themselves in Crux on the covers of magazines such a Nylon, Kurv, Clutch and Vogue.

Check the video below to learn more about the designers.

Video by: Sir Charles Hill. (www.iamchuckcity.com)

For more information or to order some pieces, find them on Facebook (CRUX NY) or Twitter (CRUXNY) and be sure to check out their website: http://www.cruxny.com/

"Le Return"

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 14:57:33 GMT

Hey folk,

I know, I know.. it's been a crazy long time since I have posted anything here. Like a year and a half. But I have very good reasons! I promise...

1) I spent some time focusing on my academic writing. It was really essential that I disappeared in the dank of the writing dungeon and knocked this dissertation out. I can finally say that I am a Doc now!

2) I made more time for fam/friends in the past year. It was something that work and graduate school took me away from a lot. Thus, I needed to spend quality time with folks who truly matter to me.

3) I have been traveling like CRAZY. I love to take trips every chance I get. In the last year, I've hit a huge number of locales for pleasure. Last April, I started off with Stockholm, Sweden. Then, I followed up with Philadelphia, DC, New Orleans, Toronto/CA and Trinidad & Tobago by August. This year, somehow, I managed to hit more than seven different airports... I visited LA/Cali, Las Vegas/Nevada, the Grand Canyon/Arizona, Indianapolis/Indiana, and Rio De Janiero, Brazil. And I was fortunate enough to share some of these experiences with amazing people!

But things are beginning to settle down (ok, not exactly true, lol) and so I plan to return to writing and posting much more often on my blog. I hope all has been well in the interim with yourselves and that you have been doing exactly what I've been doing - living this beautiful life...

Ciao! =)

Is Poison Ivy on speed dial?

Sun, 19 Sep 2010 04:56:13 GMT

There is a huge misconception about friendships that continues to spread and seems to be viral amongst us beings. How many times have you heard the saying "men/women come and go - but friends are forever.." ?? Without hesitation, I'll be the first to holla from the mountaintop - flush that crap ASAP down the bowl! In the same way we share beds with evil peniles and bimbo nimwits along our journeys, we embrace toxic friends into our close circles. And in the same way, we give those ex-loves the boot for good reason, we should haul tush away from similar amigos whom are poisoning our lives. I've done it. Many many times now. I'm almost an expert. It may totally seem like the rambling of a heartless wack job, but honestly, don't judge me. I've just experienced enough to know that my happiness and peace of mind is simply priceless. The minute that someone in my life begins to suck on my positive energy like a $600. Dyson, as my homey CBreezy would say - DEUCES!!

Who are the kind of folk I am talking about?.... I would say a toxic friend is someone who drains you of all your emotional energy, who seems to consistently bring negativity your way and always undermines the true potential for happiness in your life. They come in all shapes, ages and genders. They're lurking around our homes and our jobs. And they mercilessly inject their toxicity into your vena cava in a variety of forms. Obviously, it can be difficult to remove such offenders from your life. After all, they became your friends for some reason or the other. However, the longer these folk remain in the picture, the more harm you are allowing to be done unto yourself. ['Your friend' might not want to sleep with your dad and plot to kill your mother like Ivy did in the sensational '92 flick, but still!] It's time to take charge and acknowledge the importance of your mental health, time, energy and bank account balance. Today is the day for these individuals to get their bags packed and be off to torture someone else.. "You wanna be my friend to the end like Chucky?" " Uhhhhh... NAH."

The following is a list of the Top 10 kinds of poisonous folk we should avoid like the plague......

1. Poison Lindsey: The Addict

This kind of friend seems to indulge in every questionable act possible and seems to be on a path to self-destruction. They're obsessed with everything bad: fast food binging even though they're fat; excessive late night partying; spending $$ wastefully; driving with suspended licenses; hopping from one abusive relationship to another etc. Hanging with such folk most likely will find you indulging in the same way. Once or twice can quickly become a routine and before you realize it, you're losing hours of sleep rolling with them or on the phone listening to them rant about their latest mishap. Of course, they don't really want your advice, but rather, they love the attention you bestow upon them as you pretend to wreck your brain to dispense advice and feedback. And they will continue to milk you every time they need a next attention fix.

2. Poison KFed: The Mooch

You might as well write this compadre a monthly check because being friends with them involves you dipping your hand into your pockets quite often. See, it's totally OK to spot your friend. But sometimes you have one who never seems to have money - cause they're cheap. When its time to pay for food or you're in a store buying something, all of a sudden, the wallet's in the car. They don't have cash on them cause they haven't made it to the ATM. etc. "I'll give you back." becomes the most frequent phrase outta their mouths. Or they need to borrow money and they would have never asked you unless it was life or death etc. Blah Blah Blah. And they show up to private events empty-handed, but always have a plate and drink in their hand. When you always seem to be on the giving end of things and you don't work for Chase, Houston - we have a problem.

3. Poison Deuce: The Gigolo

This friend is simply sleeping with anything that has 46-X chromosomes and smiles. While exactly where their chocha/penis is each night doesn't directly affect you, at the same time, you might have to listen to the scary and gross recounts of their sexcapades. They might have even secretly hit up your ex. SMDH. On top of that, you yourself might start to look like a flea if you keep hanging with one.

4. Poison George : The Oscar Nominee

This type of friend does a marvelous job at displaying deep interest in your daily life and pretending that they're happy and supportive of your every endeavor. Secretly, they are envious and find any reason to try to talk you out of any move. "Don't go back to school, it's just a waste of time." And this kind also usually has little positive to say about your significant other - "Girl, you can't trust him - all men are dogs." The bottom line is, they despise your success and happiness and don't want to see you lap them.

5. Poison Heidi: The Dimwit

This friend of yours thinks a radiologist fixes radios and that a manatee is a jersey meant just for boys. And you spend a significant amount of your time explaining things to them - or explaining to other people that they're really really sweet. This one is easy. I mean - wouldn't you rather surround yourself with smart folk who can teach you new things and expand your world views? Why would you want to constantly be making excuses for the company you keep? Being in their presence just makes you dumber by the second.

6. Poison Debbie: The Downer

I've tried my best not to make any references to folk I know but, in this case - O YEAH - I'm FAMILIAR. This is the type of friend who brings huge cumulonimbus clouds your way (look that ish up). Say bye bye to the sunshine, because when they call or come around it's the basically the end of all things happy. They whine and complain incessantly and according to them - the universe is out to get them. "I'm fat. I'm getting evicted. I hate my lawn. My cat is dying. My boss is evil. I think I have herpes. I hate hippos." And on and on and on. And it just suckksss all the energy you have listening to them. That victim-thing sometimes is inevitable - yes. But there is only so much a BFF can handle. Your best bet is to recommend a goddam shrink and bounce!

7. Poison Tyra: The Narcissist

You actually don't even truly exist in the world of the self-absorbed friend. You're merely there to help reinforce their evident perfection. When you speak to them, they dominate each conversation, and the only reason you get a chance to get a word in, is because they let you - so that they can inhale some frigging oxygen. Every conversation becomes a competition of how they can top your own story, experience or your knowledge of something. And they must let you know how much everything they own costs. Their goal - to make you feel as uninformed, unexperienced and inadequate as possible. I knew a chick like this. Knew. She LIED out her A-hole constantly. She lied so much, I think she actually believed the stories she created! While we know that over-confident folk are usually deeply insecure, when you give this kind of 'friend' the mic, the more they chip away at your own sense of self.

8. Poison Judy: The Judge

This friend is super critical of every single thing you do, say or think. They think they know everything and always want to dispense advice to you, even when you don't ask/care. Honestly, they've got issues of their own but they're too busy criticizing everyone around them and playing Dr. Phil/Dr/ Drew that they overlook their own (usually obvious) inadequacies. They're really and truly just mean mean people who need a taste of their own homemade Buckleys. Choose to either return the favor with your own dose of harshness or get the heck away from them.

9. Poison Serena: The Gossip Girl

Speak at your own risk. I have no clue why anyone would keep a friend around who can't seem to shut the hell up and consistently share the details of your intimate conversations with others. If you get burned thrice, then you darn well deserved it.

10. Poison Bowshika: The Belligerent

These kind of friends are chronic complainers and find fault in every aspect, facet, and minute detail of their waking life - and sometimes yours. You know very well you have to prep yourself for a night out on the town with a tipsy Tyrone or your homegirl Tina as they are always ready to throw some blows. God forbid the waitress confuses an order, or the stores clerk points out the price of the expensive item they're holding, or poor Becky bumps into them walking down the street. The really bad thing about this type of friend is that while they're ride-or-dies who always have your back, you will always become implicated and might have to help quell or finish the s--t they start. A night at Lowes might just end with you at the 21st preccinct hoping you got a quarter.

Hopefully, this list helps you to identify some toxic characters in your life. If you're smart, then you'll eliminate the needless stress and unnecessary pain asap. Free yourself of the potential poisonous bite of these critters and move on to those folk who enhance your life in productive and positive ways. Do not for one second feel terrible about giving someone the axe. Like Nike says, Just Do It. You can try your very best to help these individuals see the error of their ways in hopes they change. But my simple take is, it's pointless. These folk bear such ridic issues it will not be worth the effort. The only fool-proof antidote - freaking RUN! Look, this is just my own personal take on things. But, I know my place folk. I'm no licensed psychologist and will not pretend to be one. Therefore, I will not be holding therapy sessions with anyone, period.

To all my current friends - thank you for enhancing my own life. I you dearly. Just don't forget - I've got timers on all you snitches. ( JK!)

5 Things I hate about you "Mr. Promoter"

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 07:39:14 GMT

Man - I love to hang out and party. And I darn sure do a lot of it especially when it's warm in NYC - this summer being no exception. I generally attend all kinds of events: Caribbean, American, Black, White, upscale, Gully/Gaza (Ok, I'm lieing about this one), Brooklyn, Manhattan, LI, indoor, outdoor, penthouse, gallery, pool, free, exclusive, private etc... With my few collective years of "expertise" prowling the town, I have noticed that some promoters out there are either completely delusional or unapologetically greedy. And I've already started boycotting some folk. Here are the top 5 reasons you promoters piss me off:

1. Your Image/Presentation. The first gripe I have is about the variety of names you call yourselves. 'Promoter,' 'event planner,' 'lifestyle architect.' (Hahaha at the last one.) Let's be clear - rocking a bowtie or a suit does not make you less GHEDDO or your events any more high-quality or sophisticated in my eyes. (Lil Kim rocks Chanel too.. if you dig what I'm saying..) At the same time, I do encourage you to dress nicely for your own events, every time. I've been to events where chix are dressed to kill in their Saturday night best and you the promoter are clad in jeans/sneakers/tee. HUH? Not only should you always look your best, but so should everyone else who is working for you - your servers, your entertainment, even your DJ. (Yeh - the DJ.) If you want to create a certain vibe, then it starts with you boo. Bottom line though - it ain't just about how you dress. It IS about how you converse with patrons, conduct yourself and if you as an individual mirror the brand/image you wish you create/solidify.

2. Your Brand. Your event is not classy if your male patrons don wife-beaters and sneakers on a regular basis and as Loso coined, your chix are "bums in $10. dresses"!!! And stop acting like you throw the most upscale shyt when all your parties are in hood clubs or at a vacant lot in the throws of locales characterized as ahem-low socioeconomic status. Translate that. Don't just put it on a flyer - be consistent and enforce a dress code! And as far as your venue goes, I don't care how much chiffon/tulle/sequined material you drape around a fence/wall. Your patrons are still standing on gum-smeared concrete with more vertical views of brick. I can appreciate creativity any day on the part of those struggling to work with limited resources but I can't deal with the unwarranted cockiness. Simply do your best to throw a decent party and leave the delusions of grandeur at the toilet where you were drumming up your event dream-sequence. You have a mere GED in party-promotion. Not a dam MBA.

3. Your Product. Most of you wanna claim that you are constantly providing us patrons with new and original experiences. No you're not. Copping a random catchy name (usually of some current hit tune) to call your next event and securing a different club is nothing novel. All you are doing is directing your already existing loyal clientele to a new spot to stand up and listen to the same music. And if you have food, hopefully it's catered, it's yummy and not cold! [Otherwise - yuck!] And enough with the G-Unit/ex Rikers Island wanna-be gangstas moonlighting as "security" for a mere $100/200. a night. They are usually ignorant, unreasonable and take their black jerseys & walkie talkies MUCHO seriously! Too many times I have witnessed security personnel create unnecessary friction with patrons (and even promoters) and set a sour tone for an event. Your event! And be goddam honest dude. Don't claim a DJ is playing, an artist is performing, NBA stars are attending or a celeb/popular personality is hosting and he/she is not. And take Halle Berry and Beyonce off your darn flyers. They not coming! Simply - don't lie to get people in your event. When you are found out - you're as good as burnt toast. It's always better to have surprises than to fail to deliver on a promise. Womp womp! Try again!

4. Your Callousness. Stop exploiting your patrons!! An event is not an "appreciation party" if folks have to pay at the door and buy drinks. No more charging people $60+ to stand in your homegirl's backyard. And if you very well know that your sponsorship is solid, do us one and offer a lil sumin' sumin' complementary. It doesn't have to be ALLL about making money. You'd have prosperity AND longevity on your side if you showed you cared about your patrons and not just their wallets. Also, stop making folk wait on long lines, getting frustrated, only to enter a near-empty venue because you were tryna build some 'hype'. WACK!! And invest in your venues!!! If you have the means to, improve the physical condition of your spaces so that your patrons can feel like you care about their comfort and enjoyment. Again, I don't really care how many paper lanterns you hang over my head when all I'm doing is grumbling looking down at my feet. Fix the walls and fix the ground. Dirt and mud no workey with Giuseppe! And I'm not on a blasted Kenyan safari either, so fix all uneven terrain so I can walk properly and not look drunk (and y'all KNOW I don't drink! )

5. Your Gangsterism. Enough with the "fight down" already! There is enough to go around - patrons and money. Stop throwing events on the same day as other established ones when there is no real reason too. When your shyt flops, you simply look like a fool and you make no dinero. Stop calling the 5-0 on one another. And stop copying other promoter's ideas! I've seen it all - exact decor, dancing girls, menus etc. - all squarely ripped off from another shindig. Collaborate with each other to produce bigger and superior events. You'll gain more patrons, make more $$ and we'll ALL be happy in the end. And support up-and-coming DJ's/artists etc. There are a lot of talented people out there in our communities so let's give them a stage to shine. I'm to the point where I can jump on the Macbook and DJ myself - since the 'top' DJ's are so darn predictable with their music line-ups. Shyt - with the volume of my Itunes files, I could bring my own laptop and you would only have to pay me half! SMDH.

Listen Mr. Promoter, there is a fine line between capitalism and greed. There is a way to do your thing and keep folk happy and coming back. And maintain the focus on quality and not quantity. (I know - some people seem to like abuse tho and that "gettin allyuh tie up"...) Anyway, if you have any personal experiences to share or merely want to add to or vent to this here posting, feel free! We've got to get this message out to as many offenders as possible. And if you are a promoter, and want to provide your own 2 cents and counteract this criticism, I'm up for it. At the end of the day, let's remember, don't be mad at how I feel. But I am a paying patron, and you want my money in your pocket. So heed the commentary of the masses..

Good Boy Gone Flippin' Crazy

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 19:19:51 GMT

Back in May, I penned a piece with a similar title "Good Girl Gone Bad." In it, I discussed some of the recent women who've acquired celeb status for notorious bad girl behavior, and I attempted to redefine what being a "bad" girl (like good bad) meant to me. For a while now, I've been meaning to tackle the other half, the bad boys. I was trying to avoid it, honestly, because I would hate any penile readers to think I relish any opportunity for male bashing. But it really isn't so. However, after some encounters with numerous folk over the summer, today, I think I am finally ready to do so. No holds barred.

I'm tired of good men acting like bad boys. And the Ferrgamos and BMW keys neither frazzle nor fool me. Check this out, we know allll about the reality of SBF/SBM NYC stats. They suck, plain and simple. You know there actually was a time when I heard incessantly how rare a Black woman I was. HA. That sure seems ancient now cause I surely don't hear such remarks any more. For the simple fact is, that I am not any more special than the slew of other 30+ yr old NYC women who are educated/successful in their respective fields. We know the issue lies in the fact that for every equivalent Black male, there are probably about 10 of me. Maybe more. Who really knows the actual numbers. And that's not counting all the other races they hit up. So of course, why would any decent eligible SBM want to settle down with one sista when they could date/sample as many of us as possible? That's like hitting up a hood buffet and only having the General T'so chicken, right? (eyeroll left) A good friend of mine - another SBM- told me one day that I had to step my game up - cause "there are too many hot/smart brawds out there and it's fierce competition" - that I had to really be super dynamic to stand out to get the attention of the kind of dude I want/deserve. But, really and truly, he was also alluding to the need to be looking right on a Saturday night. So many quality chicks are sporting hot bods with big trunks in tight dresses all the time... Begrudgingly, I had to confess he was right.

But as I meet more and more male NMNs (new money Negroes), my worst fears have certainly been confirmed. See, they know their advantage. And they play their cards very well. But I'm not angry at this generally speaking. It is merely the hand that we have been dealt with on both ends. I'm just a tad upset that there are a few men who completely have taken wholehearted advantage of the situation and have consequently become delusional as to their own sense of selves. One day, I was chillin with a circle of successful BM's at an event. All college educated NMN's. I was the only chick in the circle but they weren't phased. Amidst a plethora of GRE vocabulary, I heard a couple "this b@#ch this - smash that brawd that.." I was stunned, as of course, I didn't expect these caliber of suit-clad men to be talking about us women like that. Wrong. Do you know why they were conversing like this? It is because these men are getting game and the attention of high-quality women, and consequently, really average and not-so-average bug-a-boo dudes are todallly feeling themselves. Like they're standing in the mirrors at home, licking their lips LL style and giving themselves full body caresses with their own arms. So now, you've got dudes who are 5's thinking that they're 8+ and then you got the pretty flyy dudes thinking they're T.O or Ocho or sumin. (eye roll right) Let me elaborate..

Dude A. BA degree; really humble and chill, funny and charismatic; part time job; in shape; rents with a roommate in simple/OK quarters; no car; no 401K. I'd say he is a 7 with potential. He was telling me one day about a girl he used to date but he ended things with cause she had a bad attitude (according to him) due to her making 6 figures (significantly more than him). And she used to like treat him like he was less than poo-poo. He followed this up with a comment about how he had no clue why she was smelling herself so much cause he'd "been with mad b#*ches making paper." Alrighty then.

Dude B. BA degree; makes less than 6; lives in a suspect-looking/smelling college-style bachelor pad apt; personable/friendly and hangs out constantly; short, chubby and sloppy; extremely talented and articulate; doesn't have a pot to piss in, yet has got enough ego to last him two lifetimes. THIS dude constantly bags (according to him at least) lawyers, doctors and PhD's.. When he told me this, I swear I became instantly nauseous. This dude is a 6. Maybe. And because we have many mutual peeps, I do know for a fact, that he does indeed bag high quality SBF's. He's definitely going places career-wise but goddam that ego. SMH.

Dude C. BA/MBA degrees. FAT. Really FAT! When I first met him, his hair hadn't seen clippers in a minute and his belly was busting through his button-up. His man-breasts were as big as mine and the gum drop type - droopy with pointy nips poking through his shirt. He planted his Rhode Island size rear next to me at an event and really tried some Rico Suave shyt. And as he babbled, Carlton-esq (Fresh Prince style), I thought Dude B had ego - WOWZERS! I hid my mild disgust with a broad smile. My girl rated him a 2. I called it at a 1.5. Five minutes later after our first introduction, he was asking me to spend the night with him. (If only there was an appropriate emoticon to insert here!) I put him in his place as nicely as possible, about the inappropriateness of his request. Next time I saw him, dude straight up attempted to diss me in front of his boys a bunch of times. Key word - attempted. On this ocassion, his shirt was so tight, with dark flesh oozing through, he actually had safety pins in place in between each button. (I swear I couldn't make these things up!) I actually was more shocked/confused than disgusted at how much damage an education and a paycheck had done him in mentally.

Dude D. No degree; a homeowning hustler; tall and cocoa with a great smile; two whips; very well-liked and amicable brutha; still rocking Jordans... okayyy (SIGH); a kid, and according to what I heard - he's loosey goosey Magnum fitting...... and yet despite the last two, he reels in endless hot intelligent chix daily. I mean, I see it constantly. Truth is, he is a really sweet dude. But - please hear me out: there really is something to be said for the quality/type of conversation you can have with a college educated being. I'd say he's reduced to a 7 because of this. But it still doesn't slow up the panty dropping in his crib I'm sure.

I really can go on and on and on about some characters I know/know of. These men I've described above are undoubtedly all decent dudes who are great catches to someone out there. But they falter majorly with their poor dispositions toward dating and women. At the same time, I don't want anyone to think that the message I hope to deliver is that the average SBM out there is undeserving of most of us SBF's. Nah.. Not true. There are certainly some college-educated scalliwag brawds out there stuffed into Mystique minis prowling the town who're straight eyeing wallets. But that's another post...

What I do want to say to the offending men though is merely this: cease this bad boy behavior! Appreciate a strong & intelligent SBF when you come by her; treat her with respect and kindness. We, us SBF's, are certainly proud to know you SBM's and appreciate your strength, intelligence and ambition. Stop playing games, the field and your circus juggling of Black beauties like we're plastic bowling pins. When you drop us, we do break. And college is over hun. Frat party strolls are a faint memory and so should the days of scouring for loose azz to hit. Date us. Be patient and take the time to know us - one at a time. Place less focus on the big jugs. Look up. And savor the experience of meeting a new pretty face while listening intently to what she has to say. You just may find your Queen to rule your Kingdom and live happily ever after. The End.

Men & their B A L L S

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 01:32:23 GMT

With our current ongoing obsession with ex-Cav Lebron and an avid flow of newly released commentary from everyone - from Bryant Gumble to MJ and Charles Barkley - condemning his decision to accept a Miami Heat contract, I find myself wondering again about men's obsessions with all things round. They hoot, holler, scream, curse, hi five, fist pump, chest bump and slap each other's behinds. They'll adorn crazy costumes, paint their faces, brace rain, hail or snow, trade their newborn for box seats to a game, and generally neglect all adult responsibilities in a heartbeart. I am still awaiting confirmation for quarterly figures to be released because I can bet next month's rent that there were significant losses in productivity and subsequent profit because no "real" men actually did any work from until 6/26/10 - 7/11/10. (For the perplexed, this was the duration of the FIFA World Cup.) Manhattan bars were cram at 8:30 am many mornings with already intoxicated, jubilant fans. The commentary on Twitter, Facebook, ESPN and a slew of other sites was additional testament of the male dedication to this $5 billion dollar event (according to BN Village). It was actually entertaining to view some of the matches and watch chiseled meat get into hissy fits, feign injury and Sparta-ing each other on the field. (What was going on with those Dutch boys??!!) At the same time, I was quite relieved when it was all over. I grew tired of listening to some men brag about their so-called expertise on the game (because they kicked ball back in high school or for some Division 3 college team) and the living room coaching and field analysis became over bearing. It's the same with (American) football. Even if they're home, men are steaming and yelling at coaches through television sets about plays they called. Or brutally chastising a QB for a bad pass from the stands. And today, obsessing about where Brett Favre is headed. Why else would 30 seconds of advertising time during the 2010 Super Bowl telecast cost near US $2.6 million and US LCD TV sales spike every January? Many say that men love sports and are seduced by the elements of fast-paced action, competition, beer and hot women. But I would argue too they just like round objects period. Anything spherical seems to send our dudes into sheer frenzy. Men and pool... men and their rims... men and food upon a dinner plate... men and boobs.. I'm just saying tho..

But where did this male obsession come from? Did it begin with the first 18 months of grappling and suckling of the milk melons? Or was it from their younger days of pitching marbles? I have no clue. But fellas, do you realize this general fixation with your balls continuously causes major problems with your second favorite pastime - women?

1. FIELD B A L L S. When it comes to sports, women can't catch a break. If we display interest in your team etc. and want to be a part of the boys action, we're the odd one out asking too many annoying questions during a game. Or if we know our stuff, your boys are still annoyed that we're around spoiling the testosterone affair. You don't want to take us to games either for the same reason. Or is it because we'll interrupt your boyish comedic antics? I know dudes who refuse to be with a chick if she doesn't watch sports, nor support their teams... And what about the chix who support the rival team? This really pisses some of you off and you just want us to shut up and go get some more beers. Sometimes, we don't give an i$h and might want to smash the TV because you and your compadres are causing a rukus watching the game and we can't even get your attention to ask you something important. Your woman could be standing naked next to the screen and you wouldn't notice. You follow the ball as it flies through the air, screaming something about such and such angle, ball momentum and belting out numbers like if you were a MIT schooled physicist. When did you get so smart? Yet, you can't recall ONE simple number, like the date your cellphone bill is due or the last time you fed your child.

2. TROUSER B A L L S. Now I know some of you checked out this blog because you figured from the title that this was going to be something pervy/phallic or straight up sexual. Well, this one's for you! Not only are men obsessed with sporting balls, but they are just as engrossed with their own junk. They're constantly crotch grabbing and adjusting them, bracing them from a possible lash once anyone or anything comes too close for comfort. Gotta protect the "family jewels" right guys? But, you men also require that they get caressed, fondled, suckled and tea-bagged like those two boys are your princes-to-be. (Well, unfortunately one prince in some of your cases.) And you want to prepare your "heirs" for royal manhood. This means, any opportunity to have them engage in battle - as you smack them against as MANY soft -ginas and cheeks as you possibly can. They don't hurt then tho!?!?!. Ha. Ho. And I ain't laffin..

Anyway dudes, we women are on to you. We absolutely do not mind your need for guy time and that you possess a passion for sports. Just make sure that passion permeates all other aspects of your life - like spending time with us/your kids, taking out the garbage, grocery shopping, trying to get a promotion, and keeping us (and only us) smiling, sweaty & snoring. If you are doing everything you're supposed to be doing, we might even pay for the beers. Wink.*

A stool for him to watch his games..

How Many Miles Would YOU Travel for Luvin?

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 03:16:12 GMT

I was thinking about this today after the tenth time of seeing that AT&T commercial. It's the one where the dude looks across the track, sees the cute brunette seated on a train, immediately switches his ticket purchase online (using his smartphone) and then in a matter of seconds hops aboard the same car as her... and then gets married and has a son who becomes a future U.S. President. Awwwwww. Or maybe it seriously makes you raise a skeptic eyebrow. Or just gives you a reason to plain vomit. Whatever your reaction to the ad, it made me think of the crazy things people sometimes do for love and for luvin. Don't lie. You've been there, and you KNOW you've done something nutty for love at least once.. lol

I was recently catching up with a friend of mine about his new life in Auckland with his now expectant fiance.. about how his life has dramatically changed in the last year, but how tough he recalls living in NYC was as far as dating was concerned. He started telling me about a female friend of his who was not having much luck at finding love here, but who consequently deliberated on new moves, took a job in Germany, met Mr. Right, married etc. Happily Ever After. It made me think of another fab chick I know who also moved to Germany and resides there with her (newish) husband. And then there's a friend of a friend I know who left NYC and started a new life in Hawaii with a little one on the way... And a college friend who met her match at a party while visiting fam in MD, moved, and now resides there with him and their cutesy son.... These stories and many others force me to think about how far I myself would journey in the name of lasting love. It also made me think of the crazy lengths some people go thru to get laid as well...

Let's begin with the local luvin.... Would you get on a train completely out of your way or stay on past your stop if you saw a HOT dude/chick in your subway car? Would you buy a ticket to follow them like the AT&T guy? How many stops is your limit until you turn around and go on your way? And what about late night luvin? What's the max amount of cab fare would you pay to spend the night at his/her pad in another borough? And is there a time cap on the booty call drive? 45 mins? 1 hr?

Now what about the short-term/early hook ups.... I mean, let's say you meet someone who tickles your fancy at a local event but they live outta town. How far would you travel to 'be' with that someone? How soon after meeting would you jump in your whip or board a Greyhound to travel to see them? Would you purchase a plane ticket and fly cross -country to visit him/her? And if yes, what's the max number of hours traveling would you endure? 3? 5? 17? (Just asking!) And how do you negotiate the financial aspect of the visit? Is it the other person's responsibility to pay or should it be 50/50? If they don't offer to pay, is this a deal breaker?

And what about online hook-ups? Would you drive/bus/train/plane it to meet someone you originally met www style? I mean Match.com and Eharmony.com swear by their success rates.. We hear the fairly tale stories but is this a feasible option for you considering the distance, trust (is he married?) and safety (Ted Bundee's cousin?) concerns? What about if he/she were a FB/Twitter friend of a friend? Would you still consider it if it weren't a complete stranger? And what about trusting those online pictures and the possibility of meeting a Shrek or Fiona?

Or let's suppose you met that really special someone while on vacation in another country. And after the trip, you kept in contact on a daily basis till things become pretty intense. Would you again venture across the Atlantic to see them...? If yes, how many months would you wait before flying that distance was acceptable?

And would you move to start a new life with someone else far away? What would have to be the terms for such a decision? How long would you have to be in a long-distance relationship before this was an acceptable next move? And what about your career? Would you surrender a long-term stable job you love for the enticement of love/marriage? What if your company had the same position available there? And how would the location affect your decision? I mean, what if it were not an English speaking country? Or a place where not a lot of people looked like you...Utah? Ireland?.?.? What if you met someone locally, a relationship blossomed.. and then he/she had to move for employment pursuits? I know a single/eligible dude who moves every 2/3 years for work purposes... Paris, NYC and now Atlanta in the past 5 years. Would you be down with him? What would be the critical factors you would consider to guide your decisions about the fate of the relationship?

And what would you do if you moved to a another state to be with someone and the relationship failed? Would you return home? I thought of this one recently after a friend shared with me that the one girlfriend he ever lived with had moved from Cali to be here with him in NYC. They broke up - but she stayed out here and he ran into her recently with a preggars belly....

It's an incredibly tough and scary thing to assume huge risks in the name of as there is sooo much to weigh. I commend those of you who have taken the brave leap and have found happiness. For those of you currently nurturing a long distance 'situation' with a special someone, here is a website with gift ideas for your mate. (These pillow cases are cute!!)

So it's your turn? What distance would you go for love? I would absolutely love to hear what some of you think about the topic. Whether you are presently considering any of this, have been there/done it or are absolutely appalled, share your thoughts - heart warming stories, scary ones - just post. (FYI - you can do so anonymously without signing up with the site.) Looking forward to hopefully reading some juicy stories and thought-provoking commentary.

5 Things I Hate About You: Part DEUX

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 03:17:54 GMT

I continue to dedicate this series to some very special people out there who may be in our lives and drive us nuts with some of their behavior. Previously, I hit up the fellas and went IN on them just a smidgen. After a crazy long weekend and some ish that I witnessed, I'm hella annoyed with some chix, so today, I'm visiting the coo-coo's nest...

1. Fashion. Ok, you do know that the Earth rotates on its axis and that we experience a phenomena called 'day' and 'night' right? Why is it so hard to understand that there is such a thing as day makeup/night makeup; day jewelry/night jewelry; day clothing/night clothing; and day shoes/night shoes? There is some stuff that you absolutely cannot pull off when the sun is up. I saw the most ridic ensembles this holiday weekend that left my head spinning - like chix in strapless dresses with patent peep toes at a day party (). And other chix looking like mimes with smoky eyes with sooo much shimmery white eye shadow painted on all the way up to their brows. SMH. If you don't get what I mean, subscribe to a darn mag and figure this thing called fashion out.

2. Dating. Stop messing with dudes who are companions! Men friends never look badly for screwing the same girl but you will be branded with the scarlet W for WHORE for life after one offense. You know you feel highly 'chupid' when you're out and they're all at the same event, hanging together too. Or worse yet, you step out of hiding from previous hoe-down days with your new man, smiling and socializing, and act like the world forgot your track record. No we didn't you rake.

3. Friendship. OMG. OK. I am so tired and sick and sick and tired of seeing girls out at parties with a crew and one/two of them look straight scary. I'm convinced that these chix don't have real friends. Cause real friends would look you up and down before you all left the house and say "Uh Uh!" Thus, this renders no other explanation but the fact that many of you out there has what 50 Cent would call the 'Puffy Syndrome.' You wanna be the hot snatch in the group, so you don't say crap and let your homegirl venture into public in a mess. This is low man. Real friends look out for each other and you need to let your homegirls know when the gear isn't correct.

4. Sex. Try some Summer's Eve or Lemisol. There is NOTHING worse than getting a mere whiff of your stale vagina when you walk by. You're the reason that some women are out there shedding tears because their men refuse to dine South, as they had unfortunate run-ins with sardines like you. Get your crotches in order so all us women can gasp collectively and cry tears of joy instead.

5. Lifestyle. Serious talk now - stop chasing after the bad boys and encouraging bad boy behavior with the men in your life, including family. Stop endorsing their despicable woman-juggling and violence toward other women. I know a stupid chick who sided with a boy of hers who she knows was a woman beater and consummate cheater. She even helped him 'manage' his slew of women. A few months later, she was shielding blows from her own man. SMH. And I recently learned that the c$%t who shot and killed an acquaintance on July 4th who came to the defense of a woman the a$$ assaulted had three chix sitting in his back seat when he fired the fatal shots and drove off. Not one of them brawds has contacted the police. I'm disgusted and appalled to know that some of you out there know such men, befriend such men, lie for such men, sleep with such men, and yet cry foul when you're the victim of one of these sociopaths. Wake up! Demand excellence and integrity from everyone in your life period.

Groan. Ok, that's all that I've got today. Again, feel free to mass email this beginning list to a bunch of birds you know or just some good women who need a slight nudge of a wake-up call. Some guilty chix will laugh even though they should be in deep humble reflection.